My Becoming Journey: Week Nine

I usually start this with discussing what the weeks entries made me reflect on, but I have to start on a more somber note this week. My last entry discusses an abusive relationship that I was in when I was 18, and a decision I had to make about my life. I say this not only to give you, the reader, a trigger warning, but also to say this. I know the decisions I made are not what everyone would make or approve of. We are all entitled to our own opinions and while I respect that, please do not disrespect the decisions I made. I did what was right for me and I do not regret any of it.

February 24, 2020

When were you last flung into a new or uncomfortable terrain? How did this sudden change affect you? What value did it bring to your life?

The booklets that helped me pass my
licensing exam for Property & Casualty.
(Source: My Photo Collection)

The last time I truly felt flung into something uncomfortable was in 2014 when I accepted a job at a local insurance agency. Yes, I know, I put myself there by accepting the job, but it was completely new territory for me. Previously, I had only worked in retail, primarily with beauty and fashion. I'm sure I don't have to say this, but insurance isn't exactly fashionable. It requires licensing, continuing education, patience, and a different set of sales skills than selling a wedding dress. But accepting this job led me on the course of figuring out what I wanted from my professional life. The agent is a brilliant woman who, since 2007, has been a professional and personal role model. I have learned so much from her about being a confident woman and business owner, and I am so proud of her each time I see her completing a goal she set. I spent three and a half years working with her, briefly left, and then have been back a little over a year in a part time capacity. Five and a half years ago, I did not know what this job would do for me or what it would mean to me. But now, I can say that it has provided me with a unique skill set and a person I consider a good friend.

February 25, 2020

List five people who invested in you when you were a child.

1. My parents.

2. My grandparents.

3. My aunts and uncles.

4. My kindergarten teacher, Mrs. Powers.

5. Our family friends, Bruce and Joyce.

The largest photo is with Mrs. Powers in February 1997, when I got Student of the Month.
Around the edge: My parents at my brothers wedding in April 2019; My Aunt Kathy
in her studio; My maternal grandparents, Cliff and Betty, Christmas 2009;
My Aunt Karen and Uncle Cliff, Christmas 2009; Our family friends, Bruce and Joyce
at my First Communion in 1999; My paternal grandparents, John and Geri circa 1988;
My Aunt Jan and Uncle Dale, Christmas 2009.
(Source: My Photo Collection; Kathy Cooley's Photo Collection; Amy Peterson's
Photo Collection; My Dad's Photo Collection)

February 26, 2020

Choose one person from your list on the opposite page and describe how his or her support manifested in your accomplishments today.

Because I talk so frequently about my family, I am choosing my teacher, Mrs. Powers. I would place her in the Top 5 Teachers, not just in K-12, but including teachers from my college education. She is someone that to this day, I am grateful she was my first teacher. I believe it is because of her, my imagination is still just as active as it was when I was five. Class activities included dinosaur digs, going to space, a rodeo, and story time in a fairy tale-worthy castle. She is proof that if you make learning fun and engaging, the students will take more away from it. It is because of this that whenever I find myself in a position to have to teach someone, whether it be my nieces with homework or on the job training with a new employee, I engage as many senses as possible and try not to take it too seriously. It has been over twenty years since I sat in her classroom, but what I learned there will last a lifetime.

February 27, 2020

How did you get to school every day when you were young?

Me sitting in my dads car, circa 1998.
(Source: My Dad's Photo Collection)

For most years of my education, one of my parents took me to and picked me up from school. Because mom worked to (and still does) the district I attended, it was easy and logical for me to ride with her. The only time this changed was in fifth and sixth grade. I had to arrive at school at the same time my mom had to be on another campus, and my dad was on the road for work a few days a week. My only option: take the bus. I actually enjoyed the bus. Because the intermediate school I attended was all fifth and sixth graders in the district, each grade was split into teams with their own teachers. Riding the bus gave me a chance to see friends on different teams but had known for years. However, in seventh grade, I resumed pick up and drop off with my parents as my mom didn't want me on the bus with high schoolers, and I didn't mind that either. On the last day of my senior year, I asked my dad to take me and pick me up. I reasoned that I started school this way, so I should finish it this way, even though I was fully capable of driving myself at this point.

February 28, 2020

Who was the most influential teacher when you were little? How did this person leave such an impression?

I have my fourth grade teacher to thank for my love of reading. Before her, I hated it. My mom, an avid reader, was worried about my lack of interest in the subject. She had tried many things to help stir the interest, but no cigar, so she went to my teacher, Mrs. Anderson. Mrs. Anderson lent me her personal copy of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone and told me, "just read the first two chapters, if you don't like it, I won't push it." I finished the whole book in one week and I needed to start the second one. However, all of the libraries copies were out and had waiting lists, and my teacher had a waiting list for her copy as well. My mom, panicked that if I didn't keep reading would never pick up another book again, told my dad he had to go out and get all of the Harry Potter books that were currently out, which was books one through four. If my teacher hadn't know exactly which book to give me, I don't know what role books would play in my life right now, and I don't want to know.

**I am giving one more warning before I start this final entry. While I do not go into detail, I am about to discuss abuse from a person I was dating between the ages 18 and 20, and the turmoil it caused in my life.**

February 29, 2020

What has been your greatest sacrifice?

In October 2009, I met a guy. At the time, I had no idea how significant he would be in shaping the person I would become. All I cared was that this 23-year-old guy was interested in me, a nerdy 18-year-old. I know now, I wasn't an interest, I was prey. By January, we had entered into an 18 month long relationship in which I would not only experience cheating on multiple occasions and variations of cheating, but be abused verbally, physically, emotionally, and sexually, and get firsthand experience in gas lighting. I made many sacrifices during this time, and in my time recovering. I hate all of them. I sacrificed my family. Even without meeting this guy, my parents didn't like him. It wasn't just that they didn't like how I was changing for him; they didn't like anything about him. It was obvious to them that he was not a good person. I did not want to hear this. Whenever I would voice this to the guy, he would tell me that they were in the wrong for not giving him a chance, they didn't want to see me happy. I listened. I would call and visit less frequently. I sacrificed my friends. Again, they didn't like him and could see everything wrong with him. I slowly cut them out of my life, not only to not hear their negative remarks, but so that they could not see the marks being left behind. I may not have been strong enough to do something about it, but I knew they were, and that they would. I also knew I was not ready to face any repercussions, or be labeled as "that girl whose boyfriend cheats and abuses." I sacrificed my education. Between the mental mind fuck, the ample alcohol he provided and encouraged, and the physical toll my body took from everything, school didn't just take a backseat, it wasn't even in the car. I sacrificed my mind. He was a master at gas lighting and the things he said and did took years for me to figure out and correct. I sacrificed my body. The abuse I faced at his hand was horrifying. More than that, he knew how to hurt me so that marks left would not be visible to the public. The biggest sacrificed  I made was time. Time with friends and family; time with good guys; time on working on things that actually mattered. I can't get any of that time back, but I don't necessarily want to. It changed me for the better and my life is more amazing than I could have imagined. Instead, I try to help others from losing that time.

This is one of my favorite photo from my time at Angelo State University. It's from the night of the first football game. My friends and I had gone bowling afterwards. I had yet to meet my ex, and had yet to be set on the course of the events described above. I still keep in touch with a few of these guys. For one semester, I got the college experience I always wanted. From left to right: Chris, Andrew, Erin, Junior, Al, Drew, myself, Ryan.
(Source: My Photo Collection)

**If you would like to have your own Becoming Journey, you can purchase a copy of the journal at your local bookstore, or at Amazon.**