Watch Me Disappear by Janelle Brown

Another two months has passed and it was time to get the next book for the book club Up Up & Away. This time, the selection was Watch Me Disappear by Janelle Brown. I've been deep in non-fiction for a few books now, so reading fiction can be a hard transition, and I pushed it off for a couple days, finally telling myself I needed to just start it. Once I got through the prologue and first chapter, I was hooked. I really think if I had started it on a day when I didn't have work, I probably could have finished it in one day, even one sitting.

(Source: Kelsey Darling)

One year ago, Billie Flanagan set out on a solo hike it Desolation Wilderness and never returned; the only thing left to be found was a solo hiking boot. Now approaching the anniversary of her disappearance and presumed death, her husband, Jonathan, and daughter, Olive, are trying to put the pieces of their lives back together. But then Olive beings having visions of her mother, and Olive feels that her mother is alive somewhere and pleading for Olive's help. Jonathan is worried about his daughters mental health until he begins to uncover secrets he never knew his wife had. Together, they try to discover who Billie really was, and the bigger question, is Billie still alive somewhere? And if that is the case, why would she leave them behind?

I started the book hesitantly. The prologue is from Billie's point of view, and I just could not relate to her character. Something about her was just not resonating with me. But once I got through it and into the first chapter and into the minds of Jonathan and Olive, I couldn't put the book down. I needed to know what vision Olive just had or what Jonathan found on the computer or what secret was being uncovered from the box in the closet. I needed to know everything as fast as possible so I could put my theory together. I went back and forth on if I believed Billie was alive or dead, and if she was a good person or a bad person. By the time I finished my book, I realized that my original hypothesis that I had developed around the third chapter was correct, but I had let Janelle Brown lead me down other paths of ideas. It is rare I lose myself so completely in a book and let the author change my original idea, at least in thrillers. I pride myself in knowing who the bad guy is and what the motives were and putting the pieces together very quickly. But this time, I picked up every clue and changed my theory as quickly as I flipped pages. It speaks to Browns level of writing that she was able to pull me away from my theory (really theories as the book progressed) so easily.

(Source: Giphy)

I do not know if this is a sign of me getting old, or if Brown intended this, but Olive was annoying and occasionally a brat. I would frequently remind myself that she is a teenage girl who recently lost her mom in a tragic way, so she will obviously be going through some stuff. But I still wanted to tell her to stop pouting, stop disobeying your father, he is struggling too. When Olive and Jonathan are arguing about the fact that her dad testified saying he believed Billie to be dead so that they would be able to get a death certificate, I had to take a moment. Olive, instead of listening to her dad say that they need Billie to be dead so they can get her life insurance so that they can continue to live the life they have become accustomed to, covers her ears so she does not have to listen because she does not want to know about the little things that keep her life stable. No one wants to think about a mortgage and bills and groceries, but you can't cover your ears and eyes and hope that everything will continue magically happening. Also, her dad and the school's cavalier way of making sure she took her medicine was naive. Granted, I haven't been in school in over a decade, and I never went a private school, but we had to turn prescriptions into the nurse, who dispensed it to you and made sure you took it. You couldn't even carry Advil on you, let alone anti-seizure medicine. And her dad assuming she is taking it even though she told him multiple times she did not want to was stupid on his part.

"'For chrissake, Olive, it's about paying the bills. We need the life insurance money.'

Her hand reflexively go up to cover her ears. She doesn't like to think about things like this, the invisible mechanisms keeping everything moving." (p. 256)

The book does make you question how well you really know someone. People have lives before you meet them, and each person in their life perceives them differently than you do. Look at resting bitch face. People assume others are a bitch just because they don't have a permanent smile plastered on their face. Two people can have completely different perceptions of a situation they both experienced. But Billie blatantly left out parts of her life from people. She believed if Jonathan had known the full truth in the beginning, he never would have been able to love her, but if she told him now, he would most certainly hate her for never telling him. Even if she told the truth, parts of it were just half truths. I think of the people I love, and how I have told them every part of every deep dark secret; but until someone makes their way into that inner circle, they only receive parts of my history. Not because I want them to like me though, but because I do not share those parts of my life with just anyone. Billie kept secrets so that people would only see the best version of her.

(Source: Giphy)

Also, you find yourself questioning if you would ever be able to just walk away from everything and everyone. Maybe because I have built my life with only people I want in it, I could never see myself just walking away and picking up somewhere else. I would never want people to wonder what happened to me, or worse, think me dead and have to go through the process of grieving me. Grief sucks. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, let alone my loved ones. Granted, Billie did not have as many people to walk away from, just Jonathan and Olive really. But I couldn't walk away from my nieces, let alone someone I had actually brought into this world. 

As much as I enjoyed the book, I do feel like it ended on a somewhat flat note. I cannot put my finger on why I feel that though. I am hoping when we discuss it in the book club that others will be able to shed some light on it for me. Maybe it was wrapped up too neatly? Maybe because my original theory panned out to be correct? I'm not sure, and it is bothering me. But still, the book was a very enjoyable read and I loved it. This is the fourth book for the book club, and I have loved all but one. I do not know if or when I would have discovered this book without the club, and that's the whole point of it.

(Source: Giphy)

Rating: 8/10

Author: Janelle Brown

Genres: Thriller, Suspense, Mystery

Dates Read: July 17-18, 2019